& in the end, it's not the years you live.

God's grace is with me.

2012-03-02T11:36:00.002+08:00

Surely, in times like this - God's grace should flow through me. I shall rejoice in it.

1 Corithians 13:4 Love is patient. Love is kind.

In times of trouble, who do you seek?

2012-01-27T09:48:00.001+08:00

I have been feeling really down for the whole week. It is as though the world came crashing down on me. Like a sudden whirlwind, never stopping - almost like a tornado crashing into my face. It is not that serious - I am in one of my most emotional periods. And I can't help it anymore.

So I took to my bible - and I brought out a few verses to comfort me through this storm.

Psalm 138:7 even if I walk into trouble, You will keep my life safe. You will put our Your hand against the anger of those who hate me, And Your right hand will save me.

Lamentations 3: 31-33 For the Lord will not turn away from a man forever. For if He causes sorrow, He will have loving-pity because of His great loving-kindness. He does not want to cause trouble or sorrow for the children of men.

Psalm 22:14 wait for the Lord. Be strong. Let your heart be strong. Yes, wait for the Lord.

Psalm 71:20 You have shown me many troubles of all kinds. But you will make me strong again. And You will bring me up again from the deep of the earth.

Psalm 91:10-11 nothing will hurt you. No trouble will come near your tent. For He will tell His angels to care for you and keep you in all of your ways.

Psalm 73:26 my body and my heart may grow weak, but God is the strength of my heart and all I need forever.

It is in times like these that I feel pain. And I am the master of avoidance of pain. There is no point is living in pain zone but somehow somewhere, I am living in the pain of tomorrow, the pain of yesterday and the pain of now. I have to grow stronger.. Mmmhmph.

I am sick.

2012-01-19T13:17:00.000+08:00

Looks like the great Carolyn has fallen sick.

I have been ill for the last 3 weeks - refusing to believe that this will not go away. Tadah, I have finally headed o the doctor and she says I am suffering from Bronchitis.

:(

HAPPY GIRL.

2012-01-16T11:21:00.000+08:00

I am seriously a happy girl.

Bought tickets for wicked, and tickets for F'friends. It feels like the good ol' days where I would spend days watching theatre, acting or setting up props for it.

Come to think of it, I miss those days. It seems so ever far away.

Why did I give up theatre? I used to love all works of it. From scripting, to acting, to directing, to preparing... It's this satisfaction we get when we work our butts off for 6 months to put up a play all so the audience can enjoy. But to be honest, life is like a stage. And we are all actors in it. So it looks like I never lost touch with the industry. Teehee.

7th January: God is Good!

2012-01-14T17:55:00.000+08:00

I am proud to say I am now a devoted Christian. Praise the Lord for all the great things he has done for me.

I find faith in the most miraculous of ways. I find I do too little for my journey with God but then again, I am a young Christian. I haven't had the chance to actually divulge and spend time with the word, to understand it, and then finally to spread the word. And so before I forget, I shall pen down what the service was about last week in Church.

#1 When you are not reminded of God's goodness, you tend to distort your idea of God's goodness.
Many a times - people believe that prayer works in such a way that God should and MUST give you all that you want. Afterall, "Ask and you shall receive" came from the bible, no? But have they forgotten that sometimes, God will not help you if you don't help yourself. It's the idea that a friend of mine, A, brought up awhile back when we had this debate on God's ideology. When someone passes their exams, they say "It was all of God's doings" But A thinks it was all of YOUR own doing. I can't deny the truth in his statement. But I'd like to add on that it is in thanking God at every aspect of your life's journey. It's involving Jesus in our every day life that is important. People often point their fingers at God and say "God, why were you not there for me when I needed you?" When they fail their exams, lose a sale, get dumped, they often say "God, where were you?" But really, did you help yourself? Simply put, God will not help you if you don't help yourself. When you involve God in every aspect of your life, you tend to see the miracles He gives to you more than those times you hardly see Him around.

#2 If God's creation is but a snippet of God's goodness, then surely this is how heaven would look like
I am facing a painful situation that I hold dear to my heart. Left, right, center, I am often questioned about heaven and about Christianity. But I can't hold the Christians to blame - the reason why they forcefully share the Gospel with the non-Christians are truly because they want to share the good news. They want to tell people about the 2nd coming of Christ and how life will be without Him but the non-Christians shun this thought because of the after-life they believe in. Hell and beyond.
Afterall, John 3:16 - For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten son so that those who believes in Him shall not perish and will have eternal, everlasting life.

Correct me if I am wrong - but I am trying my best to memorise verses.

It brings me back to one last point,
#3 When your heart is far away, when you do not walk with the Lord like you used to, God has to discipline us
Like a father to us, surely God will see that sometimes, we backslide. We do things even we are ashamed of. If we can't control our lives, then I am sure someone has to take control of it and slap us back to reality. So this is what God does. And although we are having bad times, God will always be there for us.

So this week's verse to memorize is:
Psalms 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all of my days and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

I miss writing

2012-01-14T17:32:00.000+08:00

As always.

It is always this sting in my heart - a pain in which I endure. I miss writing. Truthfully. I blame myself for having the lack of discipline to sit in front of a computer and tap away my fingers. I blame myself for not finding the time to read or write. Both of which I used to do endearingly. In fact, I used to do it all the time - so much so that it was always a daily routine for me. But what really happened?

I guess 21 came, and then 22, and now I'm turning 23.

The only times I'm tapping away on my laptop is when I am rushing through a proposal - rushing items for clients, and doing what my job requires of me - in fact, sucks out of me. I miss the carefree life I used to have. Alas, we all have to grow up one day. The only mindless thing I do nowadays to while my life away is to watch videos after videos after videos. Of TV series like running man, gossip girl, etc.

It's the only thing that keeps me afloat amidst this drowning life.

Ah, my laptop just almost crashed this whole blog post I was going to put up - what choice would I have been left with? I think I would have just 'X' the screen and continue on to do my work.

The question is - Should I start writing somewhere else?

Photo-journalism

2011-09-19T15:22:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to find my passion back in taking photographs...

Perhaps being alone has allowed me some free play with the things I do. Not forgetting, the amount of work I have to do. Perhaps I can start a photo log.

Chapter Supervision

2011-09-19T15:20:00.000+08:00

Moving on with life, hand-holding people are not easy especially when you have so many things bottled up to your neck. The truth is - I am an easy person to work with, making me easy to be stepped on.

Nonetheless, I am pressing through my workload in order to help people grow. This is probably the only reason I live for. I have been meeting a lot of different people recently and I am trying to do all I can to grow the company.

HMMM......... food for thoughts?

Fix you

2011-07-20T16:54:00.000+08:00

I've got my head filled with excitement - the unusual ones. Because this time around, this excitement is forbidden. Where else to go, who else to tell? Nobody to tell. Just me being excited. Just me.

I've been flipping through blogs, photos, archives and everything about the secret place. This feels so foreign, so unreal and somehow, it's tiring to just keep everything under. I just want to scream it out loud - the excitement I truly am feeling. But this...somehow just has to wait. In this little place in my heart, I hold dearly a simple secret in which I want to share - but unfortunately can't.

Someday, I'd like to find a way to fix me. People say when your heart contemplates and you're unsure, chances are you don't really want it. But when your heart has this compelling reason to go - just do it - dont think about anything else, chances are you'll put your life on it.

Truly, I will.

Escapism - in retrospect

2011-07-14T13:30:00.000+08:00

Often, in life - we find ourselves too bogged down by our day-to-day chores that we hardly find any time to just relax and enjoy ourselves.

I admit I am quite a wanderlust, often - in fact too often, hoping to wander around out of the country just to get the feeling of escapism. How then, do we really define escapism?

A working adult normally craves the holiday trip because in truth, escaping reality is the best form of relaxation. And how many of us wish to throw our phones in the sea, start life from scratch?

I, for one, have always always always wanted to do that.

Contempt

2011-07-08T15:27:00.000+08:00

A bit bizarre how I could not even remember when I first wrote the post below. I was really quite a wreck at that time, July 1st. Wasn't that just about 7 days ago? And how quickly I have forgotten inking those into blogosphere.

I set my mind to change my blog address, but what good would it do?

Afterall, a blog is just a blog. It's a space for us to rant. A space for generative of ideas. Nonetheless, a monetarily thought flew by my mind as I sit alone in the office thinking perhaps, it is time I start writing again. For if I don't, I may as well just stop writing altogether.

When was the last time I wrote a prose, a short story? Surely, it could not be THAT long. But it dawned on me- I am quite sure it has been a few years. A few years that went by. It really is not that important - it is just merely depressing. I have neglected the two things I love most in life - read and write. And even that would not do me good.

Ah, incoherent thoughts. But could I expect anything more?

a simple thought

2011-07-01T11:25:00.000+08:00

The mind blurs a little each and every time there is a chance to contemplate about life.

We look back and wonder how these years have passed, how time has flew by us and how we watch ourselves grow in the mirror day in and out. From having your mommy dress you up till you learning how to dress up, till the first make up and your first date. All of these we stand in awe - the magnificence of life.

Someone just told me, "Don't think - just do" How apt this sounds.

Some days we waste our life away just thinking about doing rather than just doing. Today is a perfect day to just do.

At the station

2010-10-05T17:08:00.001+08:00

Amidst the crowd of the station, I am seated rooted firmly to my seat. Just to prove a point.

And I wonder how much hurt this will bring.

Re-write my letters

2010-09-29T13:35:00.001+08:00

Funny how I seem to only get inspiration or time to blog when I am sitting on a train.

Perhaps this is my defense tactic because my bladder is bursting and I just have to do something to get it off my mind.

Ah, forget it. This is a useless post nonetheless.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

An unpredictable reunion

2010-09-19T18:28:00.000+08:00

& through the night, we would pop tequilas, down jaegerbombs, finish our beer and chug down the whiskey.. only to find out that just within our reach was our reunion destined by fate.

I met two of my closest friends again last night. It went well - although the liquor did play a part in reducing the awkwardness. It wasn't a planned reunion - I just saw from afar familiar faces and shadows. To which, I went forward just to say Hi.

Although all has been said and done, we did not follow up with our duty to catch up with each other. In a way, I do kind of miss them. Afterall, we did spend a good 4 years of our teenage lives together.

Forbidden love

2010-09-18T09:57:00.000+08:00

When you spent your whole life waiting for this perfect person to send you flowers and give you a kiss goodnight, this is probably the one you've been waiting for all along.

I remember hearing a close friend, S, tell me that love is like a diamond - It needs to go through fire before it becomes beautiful. Surely, I can vouch for that. I have been on the edge, fallen off, picked up again and placed back on the edge by this beautiful boy, J, a million times but the jigsaw puzzle always seem to find its' missing pieces.

I cannot tell you how important it is to fall in love everyday, over and over again, especially for a couple that has already reached more than comfort zone. I have never been in love with someone for more than 27 months and yet this man I call my boy seem to make me trip like no other. & although we have our differences, it never seem to manifest this time around.

My best friend has been placed in a situation where she is torn between two - and although I can say she is unstable, I sometimes can't find the courage to tell her it hurts to see her this way. Amidst all these pain and torment she is going through, there must be just this one person who will always brighten her day despite all. I hope she finds the truest of hearts, soon enough.

Fit in my equation

2010-09-12T20:49:00.001+08:00

You've got to love the honesty and cruelty of a Taiwanese drama, except the fact that it just doesn't sit with me. All the lovey dovey happy romance just don't happen in reality. I'd like to think I'm a cynic at that, but really, these shows - typical. The plot? Expected. I'd give anything to trade this show for something exciting & horrific like Fringe or Criminal Minds or Without a trace. Even gossip girl will suffice.

But alas, a day home feeling queasy will allow me to fiddle into the Taiwanese kawaii-ne tv shows. Much to my displeasure, I'm actually quite happy I did not buy those DVDs I saw yesterday. I would have been sorely disappointed

But then again, one man's meat is another man's poison. ;)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

& Jill came tumbling after..

2010-09-10T13:42:00.001+08:00

Only if effort is equated with similar effort can life be made easier. But of course, life's never fair. Someone has got to win some & someone has got to lose some..

Save the last dance for me

2010-09-09T10:05:00.000+08:00

"so don't forget who's taking you home & who's arms you are going to be in.. So won't you baby, save the last dance for me"

Sitting on the train watching my life past me by while trying to rush to office in time is the next best thing to a face-to-face confrontation with a devil in disguise. The art of productivity has led me down the slow long road to an endless pain. I can only count the hours till I see you tonight. That's all I think about, except for the bloody pain I'm having in my body.

People-watching always make my day brighter. Just wondering what kind of a person they are - draped in an untidy ass outfit yet reading an extremely intellectual book is really just pushing the word oxymoron to the limit.

It is the eve of a public holiday, & although I don't see the hype(bear in mind, it is not my festival to celebrate) but it's a day off. And of course, I will give anything to have an additional day to laze in bed.

Can't wait for my work day to be over just so I can see you tonight.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

For the perfect person

2010-09-08T14:48:00.000+08:00

I'd dish up plenty of beautiful words just to describe how I feel now.

But it seems I am more protective of the words that roll off my tongue this time around. Shuffling through the malls, picking the places for dinner and finally settling on a nice steak and peach cooler was probably the best idea. Just so you know, I've envisioned in my mind the exact way I'd hold your arms and stroll down the malls a million times in my head.

It's not just the idea of going out with you, the fact is I'd trade whatever work I'm doing just to be lazing in bed with you. I guess this comes with the price of the old saying - absence makes the heart fonder. It is true - it does make the wait worthwhile. Now all I want is to take things slow so that in time to come, you and i will become us.

& yet it feels so right

2010-09-07T12:01:00.000+08:00

I'd give anything to put away the sorrow, to allow you to lick my wounds and to let you love me again. It is like an old habit I can't seem to kick away - you elude my mind, all the time. If I had a sane idea how to put a word to this - my only weakness seems to be you.

Your familiar face. & your familiar touch. It just can't seem to go away.

And because I am learning how to love and to fall in love with you every single day, over and over again. I only have one wish - that I wish this time it would be perfect.

Because at the end of the day, you know that...
I love you.

Career Advancement

2010-09-03T11:24:00.000+08:00

Different people were made for different things. I was made for big things in life.

I cried last night and this has been one of the worst year of my life - I'd wish 2010 would just pass and 2011 to come faster than it should. The pain I felt last night woke me up in one way or other. It was truly a wake up call for me to realign my life in order to make it big.

The only way for me to achieve what I want in the shortest period of time is to start plowing and sowing my seeds. It is only in finding true happiness in the little blessings I have in life will it then allow me to restructure my life. I need to find a center balance that will allow me to focus my energy, my heart and soul into this particular route.

I am a driven and strong woman - and I will make it one day.

i just need one thing good

2010-08-25T00:32:00.000+08:00

Dear Blog/Readers/Non-existent readers,

I miss writing as though I had no worries. I miss being a capable person who would not break down in front of people. I miss the dominating Carolyn that has since to cease from this world & I miss making the best decisions of my life.

It has been a tough year for me. For a tough cookie like me, it has been one of the worst. I have failed in every course of my life and I sometimes find myself too tired to wake up, too tired to stay up and sometimes, too tired to do anything. I just wish there was just one thing good in my life - anything at all. But I can't seem to find it. Yes, I have a sea amount of friends. That's true. Yes, I have great friends who'd stick by me and make me laugh like a person on crack. That's true.

But things has been going down like a spiral staircase that would never end. I guess not having someone to talk to can actually drive someone crazy, no? I find myself in touch with my emotions lately - something that I'm not quite proud of. I find myself wanting to take charge of the one damn thing in my life and I can't even do it without almost falling to the side.

I guess I'd just like to ask - don't I deserve just one thing good in my life? I can count the things I have been blessed for - but really, I just need one good thing & I can't seem to have it without the thought of knowing somehow, something bad is going to eventually befall on me... & I will just sink into the bottom.

Don't I deserve to be happy?

Love,
Carolyn

Endless love

2010-08-24T12:10:00.000+08:00

I finished the book by Jason F. Wright which I wrote about few entries before.

And it is just too beautiful. How can a love be so kind and yet so divine? Do we only regret the things we do or the things we did not do after we have lost someone to death? Is this the only time where everybody gathers around together to grieve the loss of the deceased?

I remember writing a SMS to an old friend of mine about 3-4 years back. And I said, "Is this the only time we'll SMS each other? When someone has passed on and we finally gathered back together... Is this how a friendship should last?" and we began meeting up frequently after.

Sometimes, we just need a little push in life. Someone to cheer us on in the times of darkness - this is what friendship, sisterhood, brotherhood, relationships are all about, yes? My mother closed her first major sale last week and I thank God for it. Sometimes, people need to be pushed before they are willing to take action. Often, we cower in the corner waiting endlessly for nothingness - to end up with obviously, nothingness. But if we just gave a little, or tried a little, or in my mother's case was to swallow her pride, she'd obviously end up with greatness.

This book is all about it - Every Wednesday, he'd write a letter to her. And only because he'll never break that promise. Too sweet. Too inspiring.

& this song is just perfect for it now, no?
Michael Buble - Home
"Maybe surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone.. just wanna go home.."

monday blues

2010-08-22T22:26:00.003+08:00

the monday blues start on sunday evening - why? 'cos we realise that tomorrow is the day we have to go to work again. URGH.

I have to get up at 515 tomorrow all so I can go and hype myself up with my little kids at a place oh-so-faraway! :(

& then I have to come back down and meet my little devils...

I don't know if I like my life anymore.....

*on a side note, I am craving for potato chips.

G'night, world.

Need you now

2010-08-20T15:18:00.000+08:00

This has been on my playlist for the last 2 days. I first heard it on my friend's really annoying alarm tone that woke us up at 630am during camp. Of course, I needed to find out the title of this song.

& It's not helping when my best friend's car has this song on replay mode when I sit in her car.

Lady Antebellum - Need you now
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now (wait)
Ooo, baby, I need you now

---

On a side note, I've been networking with a lot of CEOs and Principals and many very important people lately. I feel very established at my age. How do we equate success?

Everybody has a different definition.

Oh, oh, random but there is a Lord in this world! He allowed me to pass and he sent his healing hands to give me strength while I checked my results - I passed, I passed, I passed. I didn't get a really good mark but as long as I know I don't need to pay the extra money of re-taking the paper - I am elated! So so elated!

Effortless Effort

2010-08-18T11:21:00.000+08:00

These days, many people fall in the trap of wanting to start a business. To be a self-made millionaire, the steps aren't that simple. I have a lot of drive these days - to want to do something great in the shortest amount of time but I know no seeds will grow in the amount of time I give myself.

So - I have decided to put in my best foot forward inching towards success & I will pull through despite all odds. Sometimes, it's about wanting something so bad that the effort becomes effortless. When your desire is strong enough, everything in the world does not count. It's only between you and the "thing" you want to achieve. Inferiority is the key to everybody's downfall. If we look at our competitors with a sore eye, we're never going to achieve success.

Perhaps, our greatest fear is ourselves. If we can break down these walls, I don't see why I cannot be sipping pina colada along a beachside in my adventure campsite in another country - checking my back account every 2 hours to see money generating inside.

I'm sure I will make it one day! But wait a minute, where do I start........ mmmhmmph!

Fear is a motivation

2010-08-17T00:38:00.000+08:00

Fear only occurs when we have the capability to run away. If we are faced in a situation where we are afraid - this feeling only occurs because we are able to choose to fight or flight. Most of the time, I choose to take flight. But today - I fought for something.

I made a really difficult decision earlier on and it involved a lot of money. & although it is sane to say that I can afford the mistake, but I really don't want to put myself in a dire situation where I have to answer to my conscience.

Sometimes, happiness is not about sitting here and waiting for things to happen. Happiness should be strived for and it should motivate you to go and fight for it. If you think you deserve to be happy, then we should all fight for it. 'Cos at the end of the day, if we don't try, we will only live with regrets. But if we do and we fail, at least there is some form of lesson to be taken away.

I am feeling fever-ish and I feel like vomiting yet I am sitting here a half hour past midnight because I faced one of the most difficult decisions of this year. But I guess the saying is true - Whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.

& the wonder of it all is just that you don't realize..

2010-08-15T15:02:00.002+08:00

This song always send chills down my spine. It's too romantic. I become a little girl in the fantasy of wearing a white dress standing on my wedding day with my soon-to-be husband serenading me with this song...

Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."
We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."
I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.

It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."

i'm feeling torn apart.

2010-08-14T23:38:00.001+08:00

Tonight, when I really need someone - nobody is there. Let alone a text message. 'Cos everybody is busy with their lives and there's just no point in wallowing alone.

& i guess sometimes - all of you consider your needs before mine.

Home-bound on a friday and a saturday night

2010-08-14T21:40:00.000+08:00

Maybe I've grown up? Maybe I've just been grounded for so long that I don't even feel like going out. Of course I do get irritated that nobody accompanies me for dinner or there's no one to hold, but all I feel like doing is just staring at the TV series.

I guess I'm turning in now.. going to bed at 9.39pm. That's a first.

"Maybe in another life and in another place, things will be different. Maybe the biggest regret in my life is playing the game."

tears in my eyes

2010-08-12T10:14:00.000+08:00

I cried yesterday. That's right.

My sister said something that went right into my heart and I cried. Like I haven't cried in ages, I just cried and cried and cried a lot. I don't understand what made me cry but I felt so terrible and I cried.

It's true, I don't like being weak and I'd rather run away from emotions than face it. But yesterday, I braved myself up and all I did was cry non-stop. Until I fell asleep. In which my sub-conscious mind decided to play games with me and I dreamt about crying. I woke up to a jolt at 530am only to fall asleep in the same dream.

Today is different. I woke up feeling different. Feeling that it is about time.. and I should have done it a long time ago. I just can't comprehend the exact reason that made me cry so bad. I just don't understand how these tears came streaming down my eyes like a water tap that couldn't be stopped.

I guess I cried.

if I die lying in your arms..

2010-08-11T11:05:00.000+08:00

I finally started on "Wednesdays Letter" by Jason F. Wright. I've had it in my bag all these while but I have not embarked on it.

Today, on the train to work - I reached out for the book and I started reading and I got till Chapter 5. One of the main character's father and mother (Jack and Laurel Cooper) both died peacefully in their sleep, together on their marital bed. This set me thinking how romantic it would be to die in the arms of your loved one (not that I'm suicidal or anything..) but Laurel Cooper was having breathing difficulties and because Jack was cancerous, he wasn't able to move.

All he could do was scream "Lord, please help me" & despite him trying to get up, he kept losing his balance and there was no one in their B&B to save them. So before he died, he wrote a letter and then he held on to his wife who's body was listless and he slowly closed his eyes and he fell asleep... into deep sleep. the kind where you never ever wake up.

This simple chapter of life left me in awe and in the mood for love. How nice will it be to grow old with the one you love? To witness their graying hair and their wrinkles on their faces.. to take trips out to the beach with your children, grandchildren and watch them make sandcastles. Bury your legs into the water, and stare into each others' eyes lovingly knowing that these years may have been difficult but it has been all worthwhile. Can such a life exist? A life in which we have all been waiting for... the kind of love that will go through all tribulations just to be together once again.

Afterall - Love is like a diamond. It has to go through fire before it becomes beautiful.

Compilation

2010-08-10T17:45:00.000+08:00

I can compile a list of blog entries I've written in my life & be proud of it.

Because, at one point of my life, I am extremely literal with my words and often I think I have changed so much. One thing that hasn't very obviously, is my passion to write. I seem to always be able to cook up stories and metaphors and beautify words and meaning after I read a lot. Although my thoughts may be incoherent, but all the same, I magnify most of the emotions I put up in words.

I have truly lost touch in the writers' world. I used to keep little anecdotes and stories that I've written over the years in a small folder - sometimes printing it out so I am able to read it in 10 years to come how I've changed. But this has been lost in the busy world of Singapore. People tend to intensify their loneliness with the ideology that they have no one to eat with them (I am obviously a victim of such, being ashamed about it though). That most of the time, I'd rather not eat than face eating alone (ahh, the insecurity issues I have in my head).

However, I used to spread out the loneliness I have in my "me" time which I have been having a lot recently. I have been re-shaping and re-evaluating my life. How can one be a millionaire by the age of 26? Have I not done all my best to achieve all the certificates I want to achieve? Surely there is a way I can sit my ass on the desk and send out 2000 emails in a day so that at least 10% will reply me. I think if I ever manage to do such a thing - my returns will be in manifold.

I guess, life takes a different turn if I earn my first million all by myself. I need to find my passion back with training and selling. Because at the end of the day, passion is making the unimaginable imaginable. WOOOSH!

To whom it may concern

2010-07-20T13:47:00.002+08:00

Hello readers,

I know you've been reading and checking up on me constantly.

Thank you for being a sly reader & quoting me.

Always be my baby

2010-07-13T12:55:00.000+08:00

He used to sing this to me all the time. Now it's just a little too relevant.

We were as one,babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly

I've loved you.

2010-07-11T17:50:00.001+08:00

I've loved you for 2 straight years. I hve never cheated on you nor have I loved another. I really wanted to marry you despite everything. But you broke my heart too many times and you want to walk away and expect me to chase you too many times. I never believed it was possible to break off while the both of you still loving each other. But I understand now. & I will let you go because for that one moment, I loved you with everything I have and I wanted and needed you with every bit of my heart. And although it hurts. Reality hurts. And u won't even reply my msg, I still love you. And I always will. It was my fault all along. My fault for falling too deep and believing you would catch me when I fall.

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5 vs 2

2010-07-06T18:28:00.001+08:00

What's 5 compared to 2?

I guess

2010-07-05T20:21:00.001+08:00

I guess it's only right for me to express myself the right way. It's really come to the extent that I don't know what I should do anymore.

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Lonewolf

2010-07-03T13:46:00.001+08:00

Been up for most of these nights.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

one way to do things

2010-07-03T08:09:00.003+08:00

there's only one way to do things around you. my way or the highway.

Dum di dum.

2010-07-03T01:16:00.002+08:00

For the longest time ever, I have tried to be a strong person.

Today is the day.

Thin line

2010-07-02T23:34:00.001+08:00

I am threading on a very thin line.

I give up. I really give up. Yes, it's true. I do.

if we ever meet again`

2010-07-01T19:25:00.002+08:00

I have decided to dye my hair today.

Shocking but yes. I want to.

Trying time

2010-07-01T16:21:00.000+08:00

Through this trying time, I'm glad I have great friends around me. Afterall, pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

I've been through this a million times over but I know that I can come out stronger and better. It's just sometimes I wish....

Safehouse B

2010-06-28T11:06:00.000+08:00

Writing here is a little much of a safe haven for me because I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore.

I guess I need an outlet for my rants and my vents.

A cup of tea

2010-06-28T09:56:00.000+08:00

Writing is a gift - something that too many people lack. & if you chance upon a nice literature, you can sit all day with a cup of tea just reading and digesting every piece of information inside. I have forgotten how to read and how to write simply because all I do all day is complain about the lack of intellectual stimulant in my life. I have forgotten how to stay in a bookshop and plunge myself in books all day and I have forgotten that my busy schedule in my life only allows me to bore myself with research articles or new proposal fit material for work.

I have learnt that these days, letting go of something so special could bemore of a good thing than a bad. I laze in bed till 10 this morning only to get up now to start working. However lazy it may sound, it may be a refreshing change.

Have you ever read a book that was too juicy and interesting that you can't put down? & as you flip your pages through till the end, you realize you start reading slower and slower so that the story won't end for you? I've read plenty of books that I couldn't put down yet towards the end, I never want it to end. But alas, a book is a book and it is an inanimate object. We must reach the end only to finally close the pages and to tell yourself, woah - that read was awesome. I need to get more people into this book. Well, life's a lot like that. You meet a lot of people that will give you that kind of feeling and you just don't want it to end... but as you flip the pages of life long enough, you'd realize that this is the end that you have been dreading. And then you reach the last page & no matter how slow you read the words, and even if you bookmark it a million times over, you will still finally read the last word and then you have to close it and end the chapter.

Before you pick up the next book, you drown yourself in the last... contemplating, thinking, imagining. And then a whole new book intrigues you from afar and one more time, you are put into contemplation again.

Well, in days like these, all I want to do is kick my socks away and laze in bed with a good book... Drowning myself into a book will be my savior for the next few days.

But then again.

2010-06-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

Why are we always stuck in the crossroads where we have nowhere to go? It seems that every path we take in life is just another ticking time bomb waiting to explode in our faces at any time possible. The thrill about life is that we are uncertain about what is to be in time to come. In this little spatial time that we have on Earth, what has made life special?

I start to think that somehow life is too much of a bitch that we can't get out of. I am too tired of working, too tired of studying and too tired of thinking.

Lessons on love

2010-05-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

I admit - I have failed to write anything for the longest time ever. It is true - sometimes I feel flawed when I write. I don't do well with emotions and I can think about the emotions and launch it into words so expressively and yet so reluctantly. I am able to express better with emotions when I write. I'd like to ask myself day in and out whether it is ever possible to find someone you love with all of your heart and yet let him/her break it into pieces every single day? I'll spend days searching for the answer always ending up fruitless.

I don't believe in casting emotions out so easily only because I'd like to imagine that the pain is not real. I prefer to put it into isolation and only when I am alone do I take it out and review the pain. Even then I still need a shoulder to cry on or a person to call upon in my times of need. I just cannot do the rationale thinking on my own. I still prefer to listen to someone dissect the pain or the problem and tell me a solution when at the end of the day, I have already concluded similar solutions.

Other times I think about why on Earth am I here for? & even though I'd like to taste the world and go on long adventures to other countries but I will never understand the idea of me not being able to sit still. Is this pain a solitary confinement to me? Or does it happen to everybody just as how it hurts me as well?

I can never understand how a person can love another when they don't love themselves enough. I think I have enough love for myself to go around spreading it to others. I genuinely think a glass is half-full. I am always trying to find the positive side of things - that even if I lose money in gambling, it is because I have won previously. Many people find it peculiar but I just don't see why they don't see my point of view? Wouldn't life be made simpler if everybody looks on the brighter side of things? Wouldn't it be easier if everybody just take a step back in the drivers' seat and smell the flowers along the way?

I think environment has created terrible beings. For the longest time, I may have appeared aloof in many ways but I am actually really thinking in an uninhibited area. A place where I find refuge just inside my head.

Perhaps I am not cut out to love. I can never make time for anybody or for anything. I am stuck to my work, my life and even if going out on simple dinners with people around me requires me to cancel on others just to go - it pains me. These options I have in life are just driving me crazy... I have this innate desire to heal the people around me but all I want to do now is fly over to a country with lesser beings and live with them, eat with them, experience how they live life and bring joy to them. I want to teach them things they don't understand, love them the way they've never been loved before and to make them understand that life is just not that bad afterall.

But perhaps at the end of the day, before I can love someone who is not close to me, I have to learn to love the people around me first. The ones I take time to regret taking for granted every single day.

Running through my head

2010-04-16T12:31:00.000+08:00

There are just too many things I am focusing at one time now. It is driving me crazy and for all I know, I just want to run away from it all. It drives me nuts knowing that I just can't put any of it down and it drives me nuts knowing that sooner or later, I am just going to burst into thin air. I am exhausted day in and day out but I still have to study and I still have to work.

The road to success is never easy.

Lessons in life

2010-03-30T12:30:00.000+08:00

#1
Life is full of adventure.

I will be heading to Genting tomorrow and maybe KL on Friday. I am super excited.. for whatever reasons!

Change

2010-03-28T21:42:00.000+08:00

As I revisit the days of self-awareness in my recent NLP class, I realized how one evolves from a character to the other. I found out it is no longer we who change ourselves but the environment we choose to live in that changes who we really are and what we believe in.

Finding out about myself in this weekend has changed many insights of myself. I come to terms with the fact that I am truly attached to the Type 7 personality of the Enneagram and find myself attracted to Type 2s as they help me hurry through my lives by offering their help to me all the time.

However, life is not a bed of roses. I have to evolve and seek groundedeness before I can become a better person. And in order to follow the path of God, I have to be all 9 personalities before I can reach nirvana. Now, when will the day come? Perhaps God has set this path for myself and my loved ones around me.. to walk this journey of pain and happiness before I can attain true happiness.

These days I seem to look forward to Sundays for worship time, all the time. It's the only time where I am at peace with myself and it's the only time nobody calls to bother me and I don't entertain calls. Sometimes, I wish you'd understand why Sundays are God-ly times for me.....

Anyhoo, I'm leaving for Genting this Wednesday - 2 days from now & I am terribly excited. It is afterall, the only trip where I can R&R for a good few days. I am hoping that this Genting trip will recharge me and gear me up for the battle in May. Carolyn....WHOOOSH!

Oh blog

2010-03-03T17:14:00.000+08:00

I know I have gone on hiatus for the longest time.. but I guess it's the little sacrifices I have to give to keep my sanity. What with all the working and the blogging - can't do both I guess.

I feel a lot more alone these days - not really connecting with anybody. I just feel that I haven't had girlfriend time in a long time. Things like shopping, nail trips and just gossiping. I've been too busy with work that my social life has gone down to zero.

Ah, I am lost for words already. I wish I can really pen down how I feel.

Little trivias of life..

2010-02-09T12:34:00.000+08:00

Just when the world seem like it's getting better, everything went downhill again.

Ah, sigh.

Why is it that when we walk the different paths in life, we more often than not, choose the wrong path? How can we make everybody happy, really? The reality of life is such - we stumble at cross junctions and we choose left instead of right.. not knowing that it's not a choice of left or right but a choice of right or wrong.

First day without you

2010-02-03T19:48:00.000+08:00

Today I feel lost.

I have absolutely no strength to do anything or to carry on. It's like my whole week's a blur if not for the fact that I'm sitting in the office. I reply my emails, send a few proposals but still sit in a blur.

Perhaps it is because I don't have anyone to specifically SMS or know that I am going out with a particular someone tonight.

It's true. I miss you. & It's only the first day...

Counting down till you're back. 3 more days to go & it already feels like a year has pass..

Word of God..

2010-02-03T19:34:00.000+08:00

I visited AMK Methodist Church on Sunday and coincidentally had an early argument in the morning. I could not wake up for Covenant in the morning and my mother was very pissed off so I decided to take a trip down to AMKMC to check out their service.

Turns out, I love it! It's the kind of serious church that I've always wanted to be a part of. The best thing about the sermon was what it was trying to preach. It was talking about "Give Forgiveness" and I was shocked. Like I mentioned earlier, I had an argument in the morning so it was like God was talking to me to forgive those who have hurt me.

"How can a man who has been forgiven so much not forgive another who owes so little..?"
"Colossians 3:13 Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so must forgive others"

This really put a thought into my head during the whole sermon. I guess in many ways, Dawn is right. God speaks to us in his most amazing ways so I'm very happy Freds, Justin and all will be coming to Covenant with me this Sunday. Hopefully, the service is interesting....

AAAAAAAAAaaanyway...

Pitching of tents

2010-01-29T11:15:00.001+08:00

As a camper when I was young, the one activity I hated the most was unpitching of tents. It just irritates the living daylights out of me when I have to disregard how tired I am, or the lack of a good bed the previous night, and unpitch the tents.

Pitching the tent on the first day is ok, albeit tiring under the hot sun. But the motivation of how you're making your "bed" for slumber tonight excites yourself. It's as though you are doing this so that you can ensure that the tent won't drop on your head at night and irregardless of rain or shine, the tent will stay strong.

Of course as the day to leave draws nearer, human nature tends to get frustrated as they try to unpitch the tent. It's the whole "I'm leaving" feeling that adds on to the irritating feeling of needing to unpitch tent.

Luckily for me, my camping days as a participant is over.. but now I get to see frustrated little students dreading the unpitching of their tents. Mmmhmmmph.

Bedok reservoir

2010-01-28T16:56:00.000+08:00

Many times as I sit here, I reminisce the past. This place brings about plenty of memories as I remember sitting along here during my poly days.. Sometimes, time shocks me as I realize how quick time flies.

Ah sigh, like they always say.. Party hard while we are young.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

War between the phones

2010-01-28T09:25:00.001+08:00

The battle has begun.

It was to be between an iPHONE or a Blackberry Bold/Curve for me. I looked at the difference between the two of them and it is quite difficult to deny the fact that iPHONE is definitely more stylish than a blackberry. But to own a blackberry or to have one in your hands is at its' best stylish. I just could not decide to which I like more.

So the battle begins
1) More applications vs Sucky battery
No doubt the iPhone has plenty of applications to keep a bored person sane, I'm sure we've all heard the complain of how sucky the battery is. Everybody's been telling me that in order to own an iphone, you've to bring your charger around. How true is that? I'll wait & see.

2) Touchscreen vs Non-touchscreen
Ah, sigh. The battle never ends. This is really the only thing that they are able to battle about - all the time. & I always say, I don't drive, so I don't need a non-touch screen phone. I don't need to SMS while driving. Hahahahaha!

3) Blackberry Messenger which I can keep in touch with my friends! vs iphone whatsapp which I have no idea whether it is worth it.

... & really, that's all I was thinking about between the BB and the iPHONE.

Alas, the iphone is in my hands.

Bedtime Stories

2010-01-27T08:17:00.000+08:00

I can never understand how a bedtime story can become a sleep inducer.

As you listen on wide-eyed with an angelic face, the story teller depicts a picture as you float into imaginary land. I grew up with my mother reading bedtime stories to me all the time. & when I was too old for bedtime stories, I read a book to comfort my soul. Of course the occasional late nights my mum used to stay at work, I would choose to read the book by myself.

Now, as I listen on to the many people around me never having a chance to be read a bedtime story as a child, I wonder. How different would your childhood be if you had chanced upon the fairy tale land every night just before sleeping? Name any fairy tale story and I am able to put my two cents worth in it. Hell, I even debated about fairy tale stories in my early Secondary school years.

I remember it being the quarter finals to the Julia Gabriels' debating Schools championship where we were given 1 hour to come up with prepared speeches for the competition. It was a debate about whether fairy tales were good for children. Alas, I stood on the opposition team where I had to use Pocahontas as an example - wearing a thin toga dress and a short skirt - not the best image a child should have. Or of Tarzan in the Jungle where he is half naked, again not the best image a child should have. But God, if I had a chance to debate this again, I would have slammed my argument down with the fact that Pocahontas and Tarzan teaches about the other or rather, diverse culture in the world.

Teehee, those were the days. I used Princess & the pea as a spoilt brat, The Wolf in little red riding hood as too violent as he insists on eating Grandma, Gretel pushing the Witch into the oven to save Hansel as being too aggressive, and of course there were plenty.

This thought came to me only when I was asked to read bedtime story to a little child of 3 years old to improve her English. I fully support the notion, and my child? I will keep all my nights at home lying next to him/her just before they sleep and I will hold their hands into fairy tale land.

funny things i found over the net

2010-01-26T13:56:00.002+08:00

a temporary madness

2010-01-26T13:31:00.000+08:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

Guess who's back?

2010-01-26T13:00:00.000+08:00

I know I've had a million blogs since I was a kid, but hey, what's new? I'm a frequent blogger and if this can be diagnosed as an abnormal behavior, it will probably be called Blog Change Disorder or something along that line.

I guess with the pace of life nowadays, I just have to find time to sit down and write.

& I will start here.

Shakespeare sums up everything about life.

2010-01-26T12:46:00.000+08:00

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;
Then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav'd, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
William Shakespeare
As You Like It, 2. 7

but why?

2010-01-26T12:44:00.001+08:00

Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try?
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die...?